When two people get married and begin their lives together, it takes some getting used to, for sure. You each have your own habits, personalities, likes and dislikes, and weird quirks. Getting to know your spouse is a never-ending process, but it’s supposed to be fun. And learning how to love your spouse better should be a top priority and a privilege to us.
My husband and I recently found and took a little quiz to find out what exactly our top “love languages” are (you can take it here). I’d always been curious, and the results we got didn’t shock me one bit.
Here is a short definition the 5 Love Languages site gives for each one:
- Words of Affirmation: This language uses words to affirm other people.
- Acts of Service: For these people, actions speak louder than words.
- Receiving Gifts: For some people, what makes them feel most loved is to receive a gift.
- Quality Time: This language is all about giving the other person your undivided attention.
- Physical Touch: To this person, nothing speaks more deeply than appropriate touch.
My top two are quality time and physical touch. Spending some special time with my husband or sometimes just a hug from him is all I need to make my day go so much better, to show me that he cares, and whenever he makes a conscious effort to speak my love language, it means the world to me.
Words of affirmation and quality time are my husband’s top two, with acts of service being a close third. This is pretty obvious a lot of times because he tends to use the same when interacting with me. He’s great to make an effort for us to spend one-on-one time with each other. He never hesitates to tell me how much he appreciates me, is proud of me, or is thankful for things I do for him. When he’s at home he enjoys helping around the house even when I’m not there, and when I come in to a vacuumed floor or an empty sink and a load of clean dishes in the dishwasher, I know he was thinking about me, and I also know that if I did the same small gestures of service for him, it would make his day. When I do something for him — even if it’s just a little thing that I may not have thought would mean much — it just lights him up.
He feels loved when I serve him, work with him, and help him in ways he feels are needed. When I pack his lunch at 5:30 in the morning, he gives me a hug and kiss and tells me thank you and how much he appreciates it. Some days it’s just two turkey sandwiches and an apple, but it means a lot to him that I take the time to do it for him.
A lot of the time I slip a little piece of paper in his lunch bag with a little note telling him I hope he has a great day, that I appreciate his hard work, or just a simple “I love you.” He told me the other day that those little notes are the best part of his work day. Something that literally takes me only seconds to write, and only consists of about a handful of words has that much of an impact on his day. Why? Because even a small thing, when speaking your husband’s love language, means a lot when it shows you’re thinking about him.
If I’m to better show my love for my husband, I need to learn how to love him. First of all, men desire to be respected, and that is what God said wives are to show toward our husbands (whether we think they deserve it or not is not the issue here). In order to show my husband I love him, I must respect him. Respect is what a husband wants from his wife just as much as we wives want our men to show us love.
Secondly, we know we all have different personalities and needs. Pay attention to the needs of your husband and learn his love language and learn to “speak” it fluently. If my husband’s top need is for words of affirmation, I’ll need to make an effort to tell him how much I appreciate him, like writing him little notes telling him I’m proud to be his wife, and letting him know through my words that I’m grateful for his hard work and determination to provide for our family, etc. And since his other main love languages are quality time and acts of service, I can make it a priority to give him my undivided attention and do things for him to show him I love him.
Marriage is all about working together to be better. It’s about loving your spouse more than you love yourself. It’s about putting their needs before your own. And it’s about enjoying living life together as a team, as best friends.
Study and learn your husband like you would your favorite book. Take note of his interests, likes and dislikes, and what makes him happy. I’m sure he will appreciate your efforts and thoughtfulness, and will let you know he loves you in the special way you need to hear it, whether it be by giving you a gift, writing you a sweet note, washing the dishes for you, or any other way in the love language you personally need.
What are some special ways you practice using your husband’s love language to show him you care? What is/are your top love language(s)?